Grief

I don't suppose I have officially come out and said that Momma passed away on August 22, 2011. Life has definately changed for me since then. I have learned some things and thought I would write them down, if for no one else then for myself.

I have experienced death on perhaps more occasions then the average person. Momma had four children, myself the oldest, Torlin, Daniel and Justin. In 1990 Daniel and Justin were in a drowning accident and both of the boys passed away. They were 2 and 3. In 2004 while I was pregnant with Noah, Torlin was killed due to getting beat up at a fight late one evening. While each of these events has definately defined me and shaped me into the person and mother that I am, they did not strike me at the core like Momma's death. Perhaps because of the wild childhood I have seperated myself from reality at times. I am a "half full" glass kinda person, the grass could always be worse somewhere else and have learned to appreciate what has been given to me. I can't stand the "woe is me" type of person and to be honest, will not be a very good friend to you if I think that is how you act. But due to this, sometimes I don't realize how bad a situation is. Because it could "always be worse", sometimes I shrug off and say, I can do this...it's not that bad. I find myself now saying...It's that bad.

Over the past 2 weeks I have experienced a wild variety of emotions. Pain, shock, numbness, anger, feeling of what to do next, loneliness, and I can say that I have experienced them on a level that I didn't think possible. For someone who blocks out so much I am amazed that I can feel on these levels. Really, and I don't mean that sarcastically.

Having not been a very emotional person, in the past if you were suffering with something I would ignore you. I never knew what to say or do, so I just wouldn't do anything. I am mostly a hands on person, so if you want me to cook, watch your kids, I'm there for you. But to sit and talk, or listen, never really done it. I've never sent a card to someone that experienced a death. I figured they wouldn't have time to read it, it dosen't mean that much to them, right? Man was I wrong.Those that have sent me a card I have read and re-read. The words are so personal and mean so much. One friend sent me a typed quote that she keeps in her guest bathroom and I read every time I am there. Now the words mean that much more to me. Never again will I ignore a person and not at least ask how they are. Ignoring someone is the WORST thing you can do. The person suffering already feels like they have a target on their back and that they have grown 2 heads and all you do by ignoring them is fuel those feelings and emotions. Going back to work is HARD. No matter how long you took off, you will not be ready for this. Life has changed and while I am sure I will be back in the mode of busy, life full steam ahead mode, I am not there yet. I keep busy, but as soon as I have a moment to stop, I cry. It's like I have a 5 o'clock button that says, "it's ok to cry now..."and the tears start flowing.

I suppose I say all of this to let you know if you were patient enough to read this...I love all of you. I am so sorry if I ever ignored you. I didn't realize what I was doing. I make a vow now to never forget what a card and a hug can do.

Two Mommies

I caught Noah saying yesterday, but I don't really know who Mamaw is. You say she is your mom, but you have two mommies.

I am one of those people that when I begin talking about my family the song "I am my own Grandpa" comes to mind. I'm not kidding.

When I was 12 my mom was unable to take care of my brother and I so we moved into our grandparents home. This is my mom's dad and his wife. We refer to them as Nan and Pop. When I was 16 I asked if they would adopt me. I had lived there since I was 12 and it was the most stable home environment I had ever lived in. It just made sense. But mom was still Pop's daughter and she was still my mom. So I have 2 moms.

This summer the kids went on what I call a week tour and literally visited every set of grandparent(s) they have. This included Mom, because she was in Savannah helping Grammy out at the time. They had a blast staying up until literally 1:00 am watching movies and giggling in the living room. I am so blessed that they were able to have this time with her before she passed away. Because the kids then visited Nan and Pop right after that the relationship of who everyone is begins to get a little confusing to the kids. The kids know the difference between Mamaw (mom) and Nan, but it was getting confusing for them to call both of them my mom. I knew at some point I would have to explain it a little further then what I have in the past. I won't even go into the fact that Tracy is my sister/aunt, Ted is the uncle/brother, Pop is the grandpa/dad, etc. Whew. No wonder everyone gets confused!

I don't do this often

Hear is a story from this week about Noah that is worth remembering.

Noah, this past Monday you had gotten up first and had already settled in front of the TV and was eating breakfast. AnnMarie came in and sat next to you but she was not ready for school yet. I had asked for you to turn off the TV so sister would change her clothes. Once the TV was paused you attempted 3 times to take the remote and restart the show before she was ready. On the third time you did it anyway and at that point I took you to the bathroom and had to give you a pop on the hiney. We didn't really talk about it because it was now time for school to start. About 20 minutes later Daddy had to come and tell me about Mamaw and how she had gone to Heaven. Mommy stayed home that night but the next morning Mommy left and spent 3 days with Grammy. When I got home on Thursday night we had the following conversation:

Noah: Mommy, you had to do something you haven't had to do in a long time.

Me: Do you mean when I had to spank you on Monday?

Noah: Yeah, you haven't done that in a long time.

Me: Do you know why mommy had to spank you?

Noah: Yes Ma'am. I didn't listen and then did what you said not to.

Me: As long as you know why Mommy had to spank you, we don't need to not listen to mommy.

Noah: I know. I'm sorry. But I didn't tell Daddy. If I did he might want to spank me again.

Me: I didn't say anything, I was trying not to laugh.

We ended with a hug and kiss. I think perhaps the events of the week had Noah thinking about doing the right thing. In light of the events of the week I am just glad that Noah understood why he got in trouble and he learned from not listening. Mission accomplished.

Didn't you know I'm Crazy?

We were traveling this weekend and AnnMarie was sitting in the back of the durango and she had gotten her Daddy's DS out. His has the capability to record video and take pictures and we could hear her directing her own video. This is how the conversation went:

AM: Here we are riding in the car and Daddy is driving. Say hi daddy.

Dad: Hi AnnMarie.

AM: And right there we have mom, (in a low whisper) and she's crazy.

All I can say is I hope that she wasn't really recording and she was just playing. 'Cause I'm crazy like that :)

8 days and counting

8 days and counting to our big suprise for the cauble family. So sorry I can't tell you what it is either, it's a secret. Actually Noah and AnnMarie don't even know something is coming! I sure hope I can keep this in for that long.

As you all know we love to be spontaneous. But both CJ and I are planners (I am being picked on for mapping out day care and child care arrangements for the next year including next summer by Kristin) so it's kinda wierd to make that comment but the thrill of saying, I don't want to spend the night at home tonight, lets drive to Atlanta (I did that back in May), is exilirating and so fun to pick up the kids and say, "we aren't going home, we're going on a little trip". They kinda have been trained, unknowingly but it makes sense, that anytime Mommy and Daddy show up together something special is about to happen. But we don't even have to take an over night trip for it to be cool. One of the neatest things we did recently was pack a picnic dinner and take some stale bread and eat at lake robinson and feed the fish and geese. We had a blast, it was a last minute decision and we made memories that will last forever. (however I think one of the memories of the flies being AWFUL while we tried to eat is really had to forget...it was so bad we took a piece of the bread we were giving to the animals and put it on another table to try to trick the flies to go elsewhere...it only worked for a few minutes)

Tonight I got home and CJ was playing UNO with the kids. Remember UNO? I remember when Noah was just old enough to recognize the numbers. AM does great with her colors and now it's like she suddenly knows all of her numbers. Remember me mentioning that earlier this week? CJ said she had no problem calling out the number when she threw it on the stack. Of course Daddy won because he always does. To which AM noted that he didn't because it was really a game for Noah and her and they were the winners. So go play uno with your kids. I promise it's still fun even as an adult and obviously even a 4 year old can play.

Letters

So I've experienced twice this past week of friends telling me how they write letters to their children for them to gleen on when they get older. In one situation one of the parents has just passed away, so these letters are dear and precious to this family. In the other situation the mom is creating a blog of letters to explain things to her son all the things he doesn't understand now. So I think this is a really cool idea because I forget everything! Noah just asked me what was his favorite movie when he was 2, and I had no idea. Now really...I am sure that I watched whatever movie it was 100000 times and swore to myself that I would never forget, but here we are and I have no clue what he "favorite" was. So I thought I would do better at writing the little stories and explanations for when things are just to darn confusing for a 4 or 6 year old to understand.

So here are two tidbits of info for today:

AnnMarie insisted on going to school dressed up as Cinderella today, headband and all. (I'm suprised she didn't insist on the dress up princess shoes).

Noah has been drinking fruitables juice boxes like they are soda and here is the part that he is going to be so upset with me when he figures it out...each juice box contains a serving of fruits/vegetables. HA! If anyone has experienced supper at our house you know it is a challenge getting Noah to get veggies. So I have decided I will buy stock in these juice boxes and he can have 10 a day. Not only does it have veggies but it's organic and no sugar added!!!! How good for you can you get? And it's working!!! So everyone run today and purchase a whole case, if they work for my kid there's no telling what your kid will do with them. But shush...don't tell him just yet please. He's going to be able to realize the name is a mush of fruit and vegetables soon enough on his own :)

Fruits of the Summer

This summer the family has enjoyed planting a garden and reaping the fruits of the garden. In the beginning the kids would fight over who got to take their watering can and fill it up with fertilizer water and water each plant. Then the garden got so big that the kids couldn't walk up and down the rows without stepping on the plants. Most of the garden is done producing but we still have tons of peppers, sweet and hot, and we still have another round of tomatoes to come in.

With all of the produce we have I have become a canner. I've never really canned anything, just froze stuff, but this year I have a pile of green beans, a few bags of corn, about 5 cans of tomatoes, several cans of pickles, a few jars of pickled okra, some really really good peaches (didn't grow them but made jam and boy are the peaches good this year). It's kind of become like a hobby that I really enjoy. I'm looking forward to getting some more okra to pickle and more peaches. And even during the fall looking forward to canning apple butter instead of freezing it this year.

We are attempting to grow pumpkins for the fall and soon we will begin planting the fall garden. It's been so hard to want to go out there with it 105 degrees in the evening but the fall should be really enjoyable. Have a great night!