Grief

I don't suppose I have officially come out and said that Momma passed away on August 22, 2011. Life has definately changed for me since then. I have learned some things and thought I would write them down, if for no one else then for myself.

I have experienced death on perhaps more occasions then the average person. Momma had four children, myself the oldest, Torlin, Daniel and Justin. In 1990 Daniel and Justin were in a drowning accident and both of the boys passed away. They were 2 and 3. In 2004 while I was pregnant with Noah, Torlin was killed due to getting beat up at a fight late one evening. While each of these events has definately defined me and shaped me into the person and mother that I am, they did not strike me at the core like Momma's death. Perhaps because of the wild childhood I have seperated myself from reality at times. I am a "half full" glass kinda person, the grass could always be worse somewhere else and have learned to appreciate what has been given to me. I can't stand the "woe is me" type of person and to be honest, will not be a very good friend to you if I think that is how you act. But due to this, sometimes I don't realize how bad a situation is. Because it could "always be worse", sometimes I shrug off and say, I can do this...it's not that bad. I find myself now saying...It's that bad.

Over the past 2 weeks I have experienced a wild variety of emotions. Pain, shock, numbness, anger, feeling of what to do next, loneliness, and I can say that I have experienced them on a level that I didn't think possible. For someone who blocks out so much I am amazed that I can feel on these levels. Really, and I don't mean that sarcastically.

Having not been a very emotional person, in the past if you were suffering with something I would ignore you. I never knew what to say or do, so I just wouldn't do anything. I am mostly a hands on person, so if you want me to cook, watch your kids, I'm there for you. But to sit and talk, or listen, never really done it. I've never sent a card to someone that experienced a death. I figured they wouldn't have time to read it, it dosen't mean that much to them, right? Man was I wrong.Those that have sent me a card I have read and re-read. The words are so personal and mean so much. One friend sent me a typed quote that she keeps in her guest bathroom and I read every time I am there. Now the words mean that much more to me. Never again will I ignore a person and not at least ask how they are. Ignoring someone is the WORST thing you can do. The person suffering already feels like they have a target on their back and that they have grown 2 heads and all you do by ignoring them is fuel those feelings and emotions. Going back to work is HARD. No matter how long you took off, you will not be ready for this. Life has changed and while I am sure I will be back in the mode of busy, life full steam ahead mode, I am not there yet. I keep busy, but as soon as I have a moment to stop, I cry. It's like I have a 5 o'clock button that says, "it's ok to cry now..."and the tears start flowing.

I suppose I say all of this to let you know if you were patient enough to read this...I love all of you. I am so sorry if I ever ignored you. I didn't realize what I was doing. I make a vow now to never forget what a card and a hug can do.